This morning I got on a flight to go to Hawaii for 7 nights and 8 days. It is my first trip away from Mila. Though she is 2 years and five months old, to me she has been alive since the moment I found out I was pregnant. For the past 3 years and two months, we have been intimately connected. She has either been inside my belly, on my chest or by my side. This closeness has no parallel that I know of. On the first leg of my flight from Portland to Seattle, I could not hold the tears back. Could I survive this many days without holding her close, putting my lips on her cheeks, hearing her voice, feeling her sweet, loving, open, high vibration. "I can always change my return ticket and come back early," I comforted myself.
Aware of the attachment I have to her, I let myself feel it. "Your every emotion is valid," I could hear one of my teachers, Lee Joseph's words echo back to me. Be with the felt sensation and then watch it change.
There is a tendency, especially in spiritual lingo, to label some emotions as positive and others as negative, to prefer one type of emotion over another, instead of letting ourselves simply be with whatever arises. It is in the being, that we feel the fullness of life in all of its forms. It is in the being that we experience the fullness of ourselves.
If the emotion or sensation is a tough one, we can feel the relief when it changes. If the thought or feeling is a great one, we can also know that it will change and be okay with that too. All experiences hold information from which we can learn about ourselves, realize what is important to us and where we want to place our precious energy. If we resist feeling what we are feeling, we miss the richness of life and the wisdom that lies within and between each experience.
Today on the plane, I let myself feel the attachment and the pangs of pain to be far from her. I felt the tightness behind my heart and let the tears roll down my cheeks. And, then in a flash and completely unexpectantly, my heart softened and swelled with immense gratitude. Gratitude that she exists. Gratitude that I have had this intimate time with her. Gratitude to Ryan for co-creating her and continuing to surround her with his exquisite fatherly love.
Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. And, it felt so good. If I had denied myself the feelings of attachment and the pain of separation, if I had judged myself and blocked those feelings, would I have come to this other side of sweet gratitude, soft, open loving heart?
Being far from her even for a few hours, I realize more about her incredible energy. She is love. To be around her is healing. When I am present with her, she brings my vibration higher. She is a healer. So open and joyful, bursting with life, pure energy, effortlessly loving, forgiving, present, alive.
I feel inspired to return home and be more present with her, more grateful, let her work her magic on me. If she heals me and brings my vibration higher, than I can do the same to the people around me. As physicists and spiritual practitioners know, our energies affect one another.
I am so thankful I had two solid years with her. I am thankful I didn't rush back to full-time work and had the luxury not to have to. Of course, there have been moments in the past two years that have been very tough, exhausting and frustrating and I have felt like I was going to lose my marbles. I also feel incredibly grateful that I have had this precious time with a being who is love, forgiveness, joy, presence, - all the things I strive to be through my yoga practice.
If I have had much less time on a mat doing asana and meditation, so be it. Personal time with a being whose vibration is as high as Mila's and I imagine all children's is unparallel to the work I could do on a yoga mat or a meditation cushion.
I appreciate more the role of a teacher and why serving a teacher is such an incredible gift and a vital part of the yogic path. The appearance is that we are "serving" a teacher. But, the reality is that while "serving" we are getting the chance to spend time with a being whose vibration is higher than ours. This experience is invaluable.
What if we lived in a society that supported mothers to stay home with their children for the first two years, if that is what the mother wants? And, that supported us to do that both emotionally and financially? I don't feel like I had that support. I know this is not for everyone, but, we can at least be open to supporting those mothers for whom it is for. What would such a society look like? What if fathers received more maternity leave too? If we allow children to raise our vibration then won't it affect the rest of our families, our community, the world?
In the question,