We are all pulled in so many directions. At least, I can say that I surely am. Before having my daughter, Mila, I spent years traveling and teaching yoga in beautiful places. It was exciting and wonderful to meet many amazing souls and to share my passions in this way. I learned an immense amount and I also sacrificed having a daily rhythm.
Mila is two and half years old now and I could leave her to go on trips and pursue my career. Or I can take it slow as I am, spending time with her and going back to my career gradually as I feel ready. Thankfully, I have the support to have that choice.
I could judge myself as being "just" a mom. (what a joke!) I could give in to self-imposed pressure to rush back to work.
The truth is right now and for the last three years, all I have wanted is to have a harmonious life with Mila and Ryan. One home. One rhythm. And, to put my energy into this feels so right.
Yet, there are voices that pop up inside of me that say I should be doing "more." I should be "working" more. I should be making more money. I should be contributing more to our daily expenses. I should be developing my career. These voices sometimes bring me down with confusion and anxiety. And, then I turn to yoga.
This is what yoga has taught me: to slow down, listen to my heart and have the courage to follow it...no matter how someone may judge me and no matter what another may expect of me. This is scary. This is also the courage of a warrior yogi. To honor one's heart is the only freedom. I have been met with disapproval and judgement, and this is painful. Truth is not an easy path but it is one that eventually breeds peace.
My other truth is that I miss traveling and teaching. I do want to work again and at the same time I want to do it only when I am ready and at a pace that feels right for me and my family.
I write this to acknowledge that these decisions have been difficult for me: To stay home with my child as much as I have, to wait to go back to my career for as long as I have, to not have the financial freedom that I was so used to. When my heart struggles with these issues, I keep the words of the Bhagavad Gita close:
"You must develop your inner spiritual nature, relate to the world in ever new ways and grow into freedom where the integrity of the self is never compromised. Live not by external authority but the discipline of listening inwards."
The Celtic philosophers say "To be spiritual is to be in rhythm."
I am trying my best to honor my rhythm. Instead of waiting to go back to the Reema that I was before becoming a mother, my practice is to embrace who I am now. My practice is to be receptive to the ways the world opens up to my new rhythm so that I can grow into freedom rather than try to mold myself to an image, even if that image is a past version of myself.
As I feel the itch to travel and teach again, I am happy to be booking workshops again. I am also excited to be grounded with my family. As I try to find balance and honor my rhythm, I am most intrigued to see how the world dances with me.